Behind the Mask

 

I wonder what people think of me. Earlier in my life I was pretty aware of the impression I left on those around me. I was shy, introverted, hard to get to know. It wasn’t intentional. Being in a multi-person conversation was like being in a fencing match and I had trouble getting a word in edgewise. That’s still often the case for me. Aggression has never been one of my defining attributes.

It’s not that I don’t have something to say, but I like being comfortable with an idea before letting it out into the world. I need time to consider it. Can I back it up with facts? Do I really believe it? Or am I just talking as a placeholder until I can come up with something better? Typically, by the time I have my idea well formed the conversation has moved on.

I’ve always enjoyed thoughtful conversations, but they’re rare for me. It takes a careful combination of alcohol, open-mindedness from both parties, and a comfortable setting for me to really cut loose. Those hours are what I remember most about my life.

People have told me, or sent the message through D, that they feel they’re getting to know me through this blog. I like that. I’m not so much of an exhibitionist that I share everything here. Honestly I do a lot of self-editing to try not to offend, both in writing and conversation. There are topics that I need to gage how my conversation partner is taking my ideas before I feel comfortable moving on. That’s not possible on a blog. So you get the tip of the iceberg here. It’s tempting to say I hope you like it, but at this point I’m confident enough with myself to say I hope you see it as real.

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